The portrait’s language

Whenever a storm raged on, nothing was visible unless the light was on.

That rainy night of September, thunder was the only sound I could hear. I didn’t know why but it didn’t sound frightening anymore. The temperature brought by the air-con was further intensified by the air outside, or perhaps by another storm at work.

I succumbed myself in the corner of my room as tears fell continuously like the rain. Shivers ran down through my spine, but I didn’t care one bit.

As I looked on my right, there was the Bible opened in the book of Psalms, with some teardrops on its open pages. On the other hand, there in front of me were a knife, an alcohol, and some money I had.

My tears fell even more when I thought of what awaits me if I follow the path ahead of me. It will be either I’ll kill myself, I’ll poison myself, or I’ll leave this hell I am staying and go somewhere far. Those were the only options I had in that path.

Thinking of those choices, I took the Bible and read again some verses of Psalm. However, my tears seemed to fall involuntarily at that moment. It continued to fall that I buried my face in the Bible.

My hands were shaking as I held the Bible for salvation. I didn’t care anymore about the tears or the mucus falling from my nose. There I was, looking for hope but it seemed like I was forsaken by everything.

I cried even more as the rain continued to fall. Thinking of my family, no! I don’t have a family.

Those choices that I have in front became more appealing.

My mom didn’t have any single idea of what I was going through. Of course, she didn’t know any of it because she was always abroad in order to support me, and my little brother-who was brainwashed by the two sisters of my mom.

My brother and I were left under their care while our mom was away to work, but it seemed like it was only my brother whom they cared about.

Oh. Who am I kidding? Handsome, cute, active – of course, he was in their favor. The fact that he is a boy put me in a certain disadvantage when it comes to familial relationships. My family, or rather this family, has very rare chromosomes for a boy. That was why whenever there would be a boy in the family, all attention would mostly be his.

As lightning struck, its reflection by the window was also reflected on the knife’s blade. My attention was brought back to the decision I should make. I was about to read the Bible again for some guidance but everything went black.

The next thing I knew was that I was leaning on the wall on my left side, with the Bible open in front of me over those lethal materials. Not knowing what the time was, I peeked at the window and saw the sun was about to rise the moment I woke up.

I immediately went out of my room with my uniform at hand and ran to the bathroom before the sun completely rose up. The sisters of my mom usually wake up an hour after the sun rose which was why I had to move fast. If they caught me, curses, insults, and accusations would be thrown at me.

As I stepped out of the bathroom, I saw the image of a girl with a messy wet hair. I could not help but give a wry smile at my reflection.

Before I left the house, I looked again at the mirror.

I checked for any blemish in my face, put on make-up, and made sure that my image was set before I go.

Of course, I also practiced my signature wide smile there before I left for the other world that awaits me.

As I finished my routine before leaving the house, I faced the day with my chin up, chest out, and bright smile. I greeted all my neighbors along the way to the village’s exit so I would start my day feeling great.

When I arrived in school, my classmates and friends were loitering by the gate as they wait for my arrival. They waited there to have a chat with me about our crushes, rants on the teachers, subject requirements, latest update about each other, and what would be the day’s activities.

As the bell rang, we ran into our classrooms, waved a bye-signifying that we would see each other again on the breaks, and waited for the teacher of our respective classes.

While waiting, I was in front of the class and instructed my classmates of what the activity would be. The teacher, who would be late for a few minutes to get her things, assigned me to take over the class for a while.

The moment the teacher arrived, I greeted her with a sweet good morning. She responded on my greeting, and she also greeted the whole class.

After almost three hours of studying, recess came and my friends were around me again.

I smiled at them, and we talked about what happened in our earlier classes and about our life as a student the whole break. It was a happy moment, but a temporary one.

The total running time of recess and lunch combined together was just almost an hour.

Moments of laughter turned to memories of joy were the only things that I obtained from that period in time. Those were the only memento that that period in school gave me as I come back to the place I dread.

I arrived in our house by eight in the evening due to our practice for the cheer dance competition. It was a valid reason for someone residing at Antipolo City to be home at that hour since the place that person would be coming from was Marikina City.

However, the two sisters of my mom didn’t have a broad mind.

As soon as I opened the gate, one of them immediately went out of the main door and started her litany of curses on me.

“Where were you?! Oh, you must have gone out with your boyfriend and had sex! You bitch!” she loudly said so the neighbors could hear it.

“The heck did you get those allegations? First of all, I’m NBSB. Second, you’ve got a very dirty mind! I was out with my classmates practicing for our cheer dance.” I said loudly as well so as the neighbors could hear the real reason why I was late.

She didn’t seem to listen to my explanation as she continued her accusations. I continued to walk towards the main door and entered the house as I had turned a deaf ear with everything she said so as not to hear those words, though my heart heard everything.

Tears fell again from my eyes as I slammed my room’s door. I sat down on the floor as my eyes were like waterfalls.

Silently flowing, the tears in my eyes gradually left my face as teardrops fell on the floor and on my uniform.

I jumped on my bed and took a small mirror to see myself again.

I tried to smile when I was looking at my reflection in the mirror but tears ran down even more.

“Why am I like this?” I thought to myself as I cried in front of the mirror.

Throughout that night, I cried and cried until my eyes ran out of tears.

My heart was faltering. I couldn’t find hope. My options were crowding in my mind again, either to stab, to taint, or to flee on this life.

I looked for the Bible and scanned through its pages, looking for salvation.

Minutes passed but still I can’t find any. I threw out the Bible on the floor in desperation though I was surprised with what I saw.

A picture of me and my friends fell on the floor. I never knew it was there. It was from the Bible’s back, and perhaps it was detached from it when I threw it.

I picked up the picture and took a look. It was picture of my friend’s birthday party. In the picture, we looked so happy. I looked so happy.

Looking back to those moments, it was only with my friends and other people that I had that smile, my signature wide smile.

I cried again after such realization, but that time, it was tears of contentment and not of agony.

My friends were always there for me; they were like family. I took a view of the picture again.

There might be no single person who cared for me on our house but I have my friends who do.

However, there were really some things in life that would be better left unsaid; let a picture speak a thousand words.